the reminder

It is Thursday, 12:20 PM.  I enter the office to collect my child to attend yet another in a long series of therapy appointments.  Not the same therapist, mind you, but several different ones on the quest to find THE ONE.  Thomas told us Eli was a delight, but was not the one.  Emily called Eli sweet, but she was not the one either.  Kirsten is currently trying to be the one, but will be dropped as soon as I find someone better.  Today, we are meeting a new therapist in a new town. 

As I walk in, his Teacher Associate tells me Eli has run out to the playground, where he would normally be during this time of day.  I head that way and she comes too, telling me about how his day has gone(not well).  I find him on the swing, his face covered in whatever he had for lunch.  I explain to him that it is time to go.  He tells me what he thinks of that idea and continues to swing.  I stop the swing and together we make our way to the car.  He tells me he wants to go home, not to the appointment.  Says it will take too long to get there.  Throws in a few swear words to help get his point across.   We reach the car and he continues to protest.  I do my best to defuse the situation-telling him how long the ride will be, encouraging him to watch the movie he brought, bribing him with ice cream....About 10 miles into the drive, things settle down, I relax a little praying the storm has passed.  It is short-lived.  I hear heavy breathing coming from the back seat, I turn around and tears are streaming down his cheeks.  I ask him what is wrong.  He tells me: The DVD player is not working correctly, he didn't get recess, he wants a new mom...I say very little, other than apologize. 

Sometimes, I focus so much on how hard it is to have a child with autism: the tantrums,  the therapy I am trying so hard to find, the medication(do we or don't we), the school.  I forget how hard it is to actually BE Eli.  On this day he reminded me.   

Despite the trip over, the appointment went well.  She referred us the someone who works out of their office, but closer to home.  We meet her in 2 weeks- wish us luck!